satire

A Few Words To All You Movers and Shakers

As we stumble headlong into 2012, which as we all know will be the year during which the Mayan god Quetzacotal is going to turn all of us humans into little puddles of smoldering slag, I would just like to take a minute and fire off notes to some of the people who have helped shape the world we live in.

Dear NFL players,

Paddle To The Tavern

I am the proud owner of a Paddle Boat.

A Paddle Boat is a small lake-going craft that appeals to guys like me who shrugged off that remaining last shred of self-respect the first time we made the decision to wear dockers, flip flops, and an Aerosmith t-shirt  to the mall. The only other people who really like them are young children who, face it, have no sense of dignity at all.

Paddle boats come in a variety of sizes and configurations, but they all have three things in common:

1. They float (more or less).

2. You propel them through the water by pedalling like a three-year-old on a floating (more or less) tricycle.

3. The odds are pretty good that your wife will not want to be seen paddle-boating around on the lake with you.

The Extraordinary Discipline of a Serious Columnist

I've been, um, a little bit occupied with the lake and the beautiful weather the past few weeks, and the new column isn't quite ready. To tide you over, here's a vintage piece along those lines...

You know, I’ll bet writing a column like this one probably looks like a pretty easy job. All you have to do is ramble on for a while about whatever you think needs rambling on about, crank out some jokes, and check it over to make sure that at least most of what you’ve written is English. Then you just pack your masterpiece off to the syndicate and bathe in the deep satisfaction of a job well done.

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not always that easy. Like right now - the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and one of my friends just called me from his ski boat to see if I could come out to play. Of course, being the disciplined professional that I am…

Ok I’m back. I think I may have slightly strained a hamstring on that last set on the jump skis, so it actually feels kind of good to sit here at the computer and get my work done. After all, I have responsibilities. I simply have to ignore distractions like this other friend who just called me from his new boat to help him see if the racing engine he had installed will let us go faster than 90 MPH…

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